In honor of today, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Remembrance Day also called Stillbirthday, an amazingly strong and beautiful mother is sharing her story.
Brinley Nicole Moore 8-18-2010
From the beginning I was scared of this little life inside of me. I didn’t know what I would do with a baby. I didn’t feel ready yet to be a mother. Of course I loved little kids but babies? Babies were a different kind of commitment. They completely rely on you for their comfort of living. It took me 8 months to be ready to have this new baby in my life. I was feeling ready to take care of her for the rest of my life. I looked forward to holding her, dressing her, feeding her, and playing with her. She was going to be a new chapter in my life that I was excited to start writing.
My baby, Brinley, was a perfect little girl who didn’t give her mommy too much trouble during her pregnancy. It was better than I could have hoped for. I was thankful for having no issues throughout the entire pregnancy. I did everything right, I didn’t eat the bad foods like hot dogs or sandwich meat. I didn’t drink or smoke. I tried to stay active and eat healthy through most of my pregnancy. I took my prenatal vitamins and later the iron supplements. I went to all my doctor appointments and everything was great.
During My pregnancy I enjoyed listening to music loud thinking about what my daughter might like to hear. I thought about reading books to her but for me that just felt weird. I wish I had now. I had fun poking her and feeling her move around. I enjoyed seeing her at each of the ultrasounds I had during the months she was with me. I got to see her pick her nose, move her arms and legs, and position herself in ways I couldn’t even imagine moving my body. I received many pictures of her during my 3D ultrasounds and a wonderful 4D video of her.
With this being my first pregnancy I hoped to have a natural birth. I did all the research I could by watching documentaries, reading stories, and going to classes. After attending a birthing class at the hospital I was going to be delivering at I was disappointed they didn’t spend more time going over breathing examples for a natural childbirth. They spent more time covering the different medications and medical procedures that you might have. The class was so full of expectant mothers. Knowing now what I didn’t then I wonder how many of them had the same experience.
So begins my birth story….
I was 36 weeks 5 days when I had a doctor appointment on Friday Aug 13, 2010 and Brinley’s heartbeat was very strong. My friend, Jenna, came over to my house that day to take some pregnancy photos. My favorite photo from that day is the one of me holding a red rose from our rose bush in front of my belly. Later that night we went to see a movie and my friend who got to feel her kick. The next day, I had a breastfeeding class and a newborn care class. My best friend went with me to both since my mom wasn’t able to. We then went shopping for some maternity shirts for me so it was a long day. Sunday, was my 37 week mark! Yay, for reaching full-term. I was tired and stayed home to rest. Monday, I had a busy day at work where I was on my feet most of the day.
Tuesday morning came and all day at work I tried to see if I could feel Brinley move and I hadn’t. My doctor appointment was at 4pm that day and I had a feeling something was wrong but hoped I was wrong. When the nurse tried to find her heartbeat there was nothing. She left to get another Doppler and have the U/S machine started up. I broke down crying, my mom was with me thank God. When the nurse returned instead of using another Doppler she took me to the U/S room and they looked at Brinley trying to find her heartbeat. It was then I heard the words no mother wants to hear “There is no heartbeat”.
It was late in the day and one of the doctors was on vacation and the other doctor was in surgery so I was given a choice; go to the hospital or go home and come back first thing in the morning. I chose to go home and spend the night with my family since they wouldn’t be able to do anything until the morning anyway.
My mom took me back to her house where my sister, brother, husband, and step-daughter met us. We ordered pizza and sat around talking and hugging and crying. There was a peace in being with my family and spending those last few hours with my daughter still warm inside my womb.
The next day, Wednesday August 18, I showed up at the hospital at 7am to be induced. One final check for signs of life where there were none to be seen then they broke my water. I was started on pitocin and an epidural. My dreams of natural childbirth went out the door. I didn’t want to feel anymore pain than I already was so I agreed to the pain medicine. The epidural was a little difficult to place since I have a little bit of scoliosis in my spine but when it was in I was numb from the waist down. Over the day I waited for my contractions to do their job. I had some trouble with the epidural being too strong to where I couldn’t feel anything so we had to slow it down and wait for the feeling to come back.
Finally it was time to push. While I was pushing I felt intense pain on my right side and I started to panic. I immediately thought “I don’t know how to BREATHE through this!” A few more pushes and she was out. I broke down crying as soon as she was placed on my belly. Her lifeless body there for me to see. She was beautiful and the room was silent. I gave birth to my first child at 5:41pm Aug 18, 2010. She weighed 6lbs 2oz and was 19 inches long. Brinley made it to 37 weeks and 3 days gestation.
My husband cut her umbilical cord then they took her to clean her and take pictures as well as hand and foot prints.
When they brought her back all of my family that was there took turns holding her. My mother, father, husband, step-daughter, sister and brother. Since we found out the day before we were made aware of this organization that takes free professional photos for parents who have a loss. They are called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) came to take pictures with us and her. I couldn’t hold her very much. It was just too hard. I held her while they did pictures and then I put her back in the bassinet. I wish I had held her more. I wanted so bad to spend more time with her and hold her but it was just too hard. We ended up leaving with her outfit, some blankets, her footprints, some of her hair, and pictures the hospital took along with photos from NILMDTS.
I suffered from an epidural headache for two weeks after my delivery. Having to go to her funeral like that was not easy.
It has been three years and 6 months sYou’ll be able to read her birth story soon. I think of Brinley every single day and I’m sure that will never change. Her birth set the stage for every baby I have after her. So much knowledge, fear, anger, strength, hope, and love came from having her in my life.
Forever loved and missed ~ Brinley Nicole Moore~